Your horoscope for November 26, 2008

Today is a good day to ground your fluctuating emotions. Take a step back from the drama and make some serious evaluations of your inner state. Are you trying to trick yourself into thinking everything is ok when really all you are doing is fooling yourself? Be honest with your highest truths and ground yourself back down into reality. Make a journal entry of your thoughts.

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The above is the horoscope reading for today. Indeed, the NZ trip lead me into a lot of thinking (through this trip i know a lot more about something someone) - and thus the fluctuating emotions.

This particular entry is about this friend of mine that i only got to know better in this semester, lifoh*. All i can say is that to him, my feel for him (for now) can be concluded as one word - disappointment.

I'm very well aware that he might seen this post - which i think soon i will get this blog shifted - but since it is MY blog so i will write down what i really think in the inner state. I did try to fool myself that oh-since-we-are-still-talking-everything-is-fine, but deep down i know it is not fine.

For the first few times i get to talk to him, and later get to know each other better, i always thought that he is someone truthful - not to say that he is not, but i guess our definition to being truthful is very different. For those friends that i'm really close to (you know who you are), i truly appreciate the way we hold our friendship - being truthful, and if there is dispute, speak out and we sorted them out. I think i am truly foolish enough to think that such fine balance also happen between lifoh* and i. And i just got to know like, 48 hours before that in almost all of the time that i think nothing major/ dramatic is going on, he would rather think otherwise. too many instances. too many of those tiny litte itsy-bitsy thingy that i wouldn't even know that he actually feel unhappy with until ms ubo* pointed out - i would not want to spare my time elaborating them.

And in contrary, for those events/ actions that i truly felt provoke, i will make sure he gets to know (for that is the truly feeling) and i would not really carry them with me so deeeep down (oh of course i will still talk about it some of the times - you know, those forgiven-not-forgotten trait).

I was telling ms ubo* that i would rather not to defence or explain anymore for i really see no point in doing that. if a relationship (be it friendship or bgr) started off in such a wrong way that both parties actually have different expectations in return, there is really no point. yes, probably both of us are giving up in trying to make things work better. yes, there may be no turning back. and yes, there is nothing but disappointment. there is this saying, expectations always comes with disappointment. so there it is. Some may argue i should accept people's personality. But since i got to choose my own clique, why should i choose those i find hard to understand (with possibility that i might never get to understand)? I mean, it's not that i'm not being acceptive - i accept who you are and it works both way. if not, let's just stay hi-bye.

A lot of thinking running through my head while car/ flight journey (oh well thinking alot is evil? whatever.) Whatever it is, the another side of me is telling me that all is over 'coz i would kiss brisbane goodbye in less than one month time. it started off here and it ends here. perfect eh?

Some people may think that i'm being too extreme. yes, most of the time i am. in the ideal word of mine, correct means correct, wrong means wrong. black is black and white is white. there is no grey area and i always hate grey area. yes i may be too childish in there, but i may wish to stay as this like The Little Prince. i deny the hypocrisy of adulthood.

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Oh back to reality, tonnes of laundry, tonnes of email, tonnes to to-do. bleh. i'm gonna be so busy for the next few days.